The drowning girl remembers how she almost drowned
Corners fold in until the only room left to move leaves spinning
I miss you in ways I cannot miss you on mountains we never climbed
with him still shines the possibility
Love in my darkest state
Tag: Mental Health
Awakening
Strained clouds bleed
Pastel
Sequences without pattern
Or footsteps without man
Ghosts and formulas filling in for all we’ve loved
And all we’ve loved is one brain away
One false synapse from leaving us
For no other reason than
We had a hard time
No one would listen
I felt alone
In all that love?
In all that room.
We Didn’t Know
The measure of me
In my hands
Hollowed to hold the weight of you
Scratches up and down the shirt to beg
A strike snapped from a snake
And all stillness
Then movement
Where the fan whispers into your clothes and sends the secrets tittering out
A flap of your jacket
A slip of hand from giants
And you’re gone
Not a Burden
Intentions turn the wipers on
A shimmering of anxiety
Touches my dancing soul
Chaos found me pretty
Willing to upend a life spent shivering in anxiety
But you thick and barnacled, wise and rusted
Found I needed a chain to shake about
Like a tambourine round the old camper
Found me beautiful in any state
Found me light as a feather
As a spark from the lighter
As the first day you lifted me far above your head asking
Tell me all you see and once you fly higher
Shout it down
I’ll make it out as best I can
Until I learn the language of your tongue
Faith and Mental Illness
I struggle with mental health. This is going to be a bit of a rocky post, but bear with me as I go from mental health ally to mental health advocate.
Important note: Not a medical doctor, just a fellow sufferer with experience in social anxiety, major depressive disorder, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Take everything I say with a grain of salt.
These are three things I do before I go down into the rabbit hole of depression-
I ask, Am I doing the things I can to be more in touch with Heavenly Father? Remember, for those of faith, being depressed can make you feel as if the spirit isn’t with you. If you know you’re doing what you can to be in touch with God, rest assured He is with you. For me these acts of faith include prayer, scripture study, reading or listening to sermons and attending church.
I consider my physical body. As with heart disease- I try to do what helps my condition. Diet, exercise, rest, meditation and medication can be life-changers for a chronic condition. Remember, you do what’s right for you. Not everyone with heart disease needs medication, but some do. Diet and exercise alone may not be what’s right for you.
I consider my allies- But when these things don’t seem to be working- when life seems irrevocably dark despite my best efforts- I remember this is my illness. And I hang on for the ride. I may have no energy for mental health beyond uttering a prayer. During these times, understanding is needed from my allies- friends, family and my therapist. Depression is a battle. Sometimes we need a shieldbearer. Sometimes we just need a hand there for us when we reach out.
As a final thought, I quote Jeffrey R. Holland, “we are infinitely more than our limitations or our afflictions!” The rest of his talk, Like a Broken Vessel, is hopeful. On bad days, I play it over again. I’ve linked it below.
We are more than our depression or anxiety. We are more than our burdens. Yet we do struggle, we do stumble. And that’s okay.
God will not always take the burden from me, but He can lighten the load.
AbyKittiwake 