Been stretching with my days
Rolled up in bed and sullen
My family is my anchor
Without them I’d brush away in the next storm
Depression isn’t the feeling in the deep down quiet
It’s nothingness
And this worries me in the places I don’t need to smile
On nights as this
On fire creeping towards a permanent end in bed
I’d rather die standing
Moving beyond platitudes into raw emotion
That death would take me before the bed again
ME/CFS robs me of my brain can’t think straight
Of my time must lay flat
Of my life mustn’t do this mustn’t do that
I die in peace I live in horror
The choice would be simple
But for the pain it would bring my family
So I will smile when I can
Turn away from touch but not from love
Ah this burning tonight has me thinking the down deeps of thought
Finished The Gorilla and The Bird
about a lawyer experiencing psychotic breaks brought on by bipolar disorder, and his supportive mother Bird:
I turn over the sticks and stones in my life
Searching for the creeping problems
To cage in a mason jar
And turn into art
Smells of ether and vomit and deaths
In the small room where I write
A Man Called Otto or alternatively
A Man Called Ove
Both movies formed from a book
Made me cry
Challenged me to take a second look
Today was a blank day
Nothing worth recording
Snaps of silence kind of day
Except for this one thing
I cannot share with you
The whirring fan annoys me
I am a hot nerve today
My hands twist and shake
As the exposed wire crisps
Curtains frame a world washed gray
His heavenly blue eyes bounce
From me to the window
My husband broad-shouldered and kind
Purses his lips
But says nothing
He senses the pain in my creased brow
Smells dampness in my soul
Grins
As if to say
We’ve got this me and you
I play fetch with Basil
Our lab mix- white with orange spots
Her warm musty breath
Caught by my outstretched hand
I clutch her worn toy
Marinated in outside smells
Then throw it harder than I mean to
Knocking over an empty tea bottle
And laugh
For joy is flowing
My other dog
Our lab mix- black with white dusty muzzle
Curls into her bones on the couch
Huffs softly with her
Two tooth smile
Daughter’s friends are over
They laugh on the couch
After building a puzzle
I have an internal smile
As I listen to their happiness
I yawn without meaning to
As I watch the time
Energy sapped today
Nightmare of not being able to function
Read that some recoveries from ME/CFS only last five years
Am I one of those?
Have to have faith
Sun warms my cheek
Wind huffs through the open car windows
Curls leaves on the other side
Engines silent
We wait for our teenagers to crawl out of the building like ants
A cloud interrupts the sun’s gaze
Someone starts their engine
AbyKittiwake 