Not a Burden

Intentions turn the wipers on

A shimmering of anxiety

Touches my dancing soul

Chaos found me pretty

Willing to upend a life spent shivering in anxiety

But you thick and barnacled, wise and rusted

Found I needed a chain to shake about

Like a tambourine round the old camper

Found me beautiful in any state

Found me light as a feather

As a spark from the lighter

As the first day you lifted me far above your head asking

Tell me all you see and once you fly higher

Shout it down

I’ll make it out as best I can

Until I learn the language of your tongue

Faith and Mental Illness

I struggle with mental health. This is going to be a bit of a rocky post, but bear with me as I go from mental health ally to mental health advocate.

Important note: Not a medical doctor, just a fellow sufferer with experience in social anxiety, major depressive disorder, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Take everything I say with a grain of salt.

These are three things I do before I go down into the rabbit hole of depression-

I ask, Am I doing the things I can to be more in touch with Heavenly Father? Remember, for those of faith, being depressed can make you feel as if the spirit isn’t with you. If you know you’re doing what you can to be in touch with God, rest assured He is with you. For me these acts of faith include prayer, scripture study, reading or listening to sermons and attending church.

I consider my physical body. As with heart disease- I try to do what helps my condition. Diet, exercise, rest, meditation and medication can be life-changers for a chronic condition. Remember, you do what’s right for you. Not everyone with heart disease needs medication, but some do. Diet and exercise alone may not be what’s right for you.

I consider my allies- But when these things don’t seem to be working- when life seems irrevocably dark despite my best efforts- I remember this is my illness. And I hang on for the ride. I may have no energy for mental health beyond uttering a prayer. During these times, understanding is needed from my allies- friends, family and my therapist. Depression is a battle. Sometimes we need a shieldbearer. Sometimes we just need a hand there for us when we reach out.

As a final thought, I quote Jeffrey R. Holland, “we are infinitely more than our limitations or our afflictions!” The rest of his talk, Like a Broken Vessel, is hopeful. On bad days, I play it over again. I’ve linked it below.

We are more than our depression or anxiety. We are more than our burdens. Yet we do struggle, we do stumble. And that’s okay.

https://youtu.be/kNAx2Rgq-uI

God will not always take the burden from me, but He can lighten the load.

Undreaming

stitched to bluest sky
flightless bird
i balance on the curves and edges
on the corners and precipices
arabesque

Ravens and larks unpuppeted remark
on finest weather
while i tethered
issue complaint

a spider’s webbing
netting
has pinned me
a flightless fish
i gulp
and strangle
endlessly tangled
in which i am
and which I’m not

arabesque
i aim for one definition
and find myself falling
unnaturally falling
out of the blue

Madness

strings converge
cross
tangle
i see the pattern
connection after connection
vans park outside
cigarette burns burn anew
the TV is talking about me
every channel
every line
they notice my messy house
engage in my favorite activities
dance with and torment me
i make notes copious and brazen
i hide bits with Susan
bits with Jill
you’re not well
their replies
I’m awake
I’m awake

and upon sleeping again
the journals become those of some foreign hand
restless writing and hiccuped language
graphs and charts of imagination
once
so
clear
muddled
the bug in the fan
no longer needing a sane smile
no longer needing to deceive the ceiling fan
I’m asleep
asleep
both dreading and dress rehearsing
for awakening again