Helpless

How long will darkness lay with you
I gently sweep through your hair
A forehead free of fever
Yet locked in battle, you sweat

I call no dirge to lips
Nor raise my hammer to forge
I gently sweep through your hair
My fingers lost and forlorn

Fairies dare not answer
Trolls turn their gaze with a grin
’tis the dance of death upon them
I gently sweep through your hair

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Tilting Downhill

The best way to stop someone wandering down a path is a post sign

Or a person bearing directions ill-conceived or conceived for ill

And none of this matters in the dark when the stars wipe away like so much glitter

Or you’re standing beside me

Nothing urges the sick traveller toward the forest like a well-worn path.

Awakening

Strained clouds bleed

Pastel

Sequences without pattern

Or footsteps without man

Ghosts and formulas filling in for all we’ve loved

And all we’ve loved is one brain away

One false synapse from leaving us

For no other reason than

We had a hard time

No one would listen

I felt alone

In all that love?

In all that room.

We Didn’t Know

The measure of me

In my hands

Hollowed to hold the weight of you

Scratches up and down the shirt to beg

A strike snapped from a snake

And all stillness

Then movement

Where the fan whispers into your clothes and sends the secrets tittering out

A flap of your jacket

A slip of hand from giants

And you’re gone

Waves

echoes don’t answer in a place like this
where Waves of silence oppress the space
but i will hope even here
though life offer me despair
dark shapes shake me to the core
yet i will not turn away as before

Faith and Mental Illness

I struggle with mental health. This is going to be a bit of a rocky post, but bear with me as I go from mental health ally to mental health advocate.

Important note: Not a medical doctor, just a fellow sufferer with experience in social anxiety, major depressive disorder, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Take everything I say with a grain of salt.

These are three things I do before I go down into the rabbit hole of depression-

I ask, Am I doing the things I can to be more in touch with Heavenly Father? Remember, for those of faith, being depressed can make you feel as if the spirit isn’t with you. If you know you’re doing what you can to be in touch with God, rest assured He is with you. For me these acts of faith include prayer, scripture study, reading or listening to sermons and attending church.

I consider my physical body. As with heart disease- I try to do what helps my condition. Diet, exercise, rest, meditation and medication can be life-changers for a chronic condition. Remember, you do what’s right for you. Not everyone with heart disease needs medication, but some do. Diet and exercise alone may not be what’s right for you.

I consider my allies- But when these things don’t seem to be working- when life seems irrevocably dark despite my best efforts- I remember this is my illness. And I hang on for the ride. I may have no energy for mental health beyond uttering a prayer. During these times, understanding is needed from my allies- friends, family and my therapist. Depression is a battle. Sometimes we need a shieldbearer. Sometimes we just need a hand there for us when we reach out.

As a final thought, I quote Jeffrey R. Holland, “we are infinitely more than our limitations or our afflictions!” The rest of his talk, Like a Broken Vessel, is hopeful. On bad days, I play it over again. I’ve linked it below.

We are more than our depression or anxiety. We are more than our burdens. Yet we do struggle, we do stumble. And that’s okay.

https://youtu.be/kNAx2Rgq-uI

God will not always take the burden from me, but He can lighten the load.